Walking Dead

November 29, 2011 at 1:59 pm (Uncategorized)

I am dead on my feet today.

I got plenty of sleep last night, but Jay is out of town for work this week. This means I am solo parenting. Hence my deadness.

It’s a sad commentary on how fragile my equilibrium is that getting up early to get my child ready for school this morning—along with having all the responsibility for him last night—sucked all the energy out of me.

When Jay is out of town I always intend to use the time to do some top-notch bonding with Andrew. Instead, I survive. My visions of special home-cooked meals quickly become Dominoes for dinner and Pop-Tarts for breakfast. (At least I heated them in the toaster first). All those mother-son walks, joint drawing projects, and extra reading time – well, the boy enjoys the extra screen time he usually ends up getting.

I’ve got two more days before Jay returns, and already I feel like I my grasp on functionality is slipping. Luckily, tonight Andrew has a sleep-over at kind friends who always help us out by hosting our boy when Jay has to be away for work. If I can just hang on from school pick up until I get to hand him off at 5pm, I can collapse into bed and sleep until Wednesday. Then I’ve just got Wednesday after school and evening to survive on my own with Drew.

As much as I hate feeling so tired, my capacity to muddle through these days is also a tribute to how much better I’m doing. All the willpower and junk food meals in the world couldn’t have gotten me through these trips a couple of years ago. Then I needed my parents to come and stay with me and take care of Andrew while Jay was away.

It’s fun to off-load your kid on your parents—sometimes. Eventually, though, not having responsibility loses its allure. It’s true I could get more rest when my parents came to rescue me. Yet, Andrew was also developing a sense of his mother as a not fully competent adult. He thought I couldn’t be left alone with him. And that made me feel sad and helpless.

So I’ll take my bleary eyes and fog-filled brain over feeling pathetic and helpless. It’s almost a source of pride for me that I can grit through these days.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I need a nap.


  1. Rayna said,

    I love how much you’ve been posting to your blog lately! A true statement of how well you’ve been feeling. Go take a nap—you deserve it!

    • Rebecca Stanfel said,

      Thanks, Rayna. It feels good to posting more regularly. I’ve been pushing myself to not be such a perfectionist and wait to be feeling well enough to write something “meaningful.” And yes, it helps that I’m not having the god-awful vertigo that made looking at words utterly impossible. (I just knocked on everything resembling wood near me.) I hope it lasts.

      I love reading your comments. Thanks for keeping up with my blog. It means a lot.


  2. Barbara Barnes said,

    When you wake up from your nap and go get Andrew I know he will excited about the snow… I hope you all get a cuddled in night tonight. Which reminds me…did you ever get wood? Loving your frequent blogs… smile…

    • Rebecca Stanfel said,

      Frequent comments from Barb…smiles for me.

      Andrew loves the snow. And I love watching his excitement. Kids are so cool that way. He gets me out of my head and my grumpiness.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.


  3. Marianne said,

    Here is a secret – all moms have pop tart/dominoes pizza days. Mine are usually called Tuesday.

    • Rebecca Stanfel said,

      Well, that is good to know. I need to stop listening to all the perfect Moms (could they all be LIARS?) I might be saner.

      Here’s to processed food and screens.

  4. Martha Kohl said,

    I think this is the tyranny of high expectations. When my husband/cook/coparent/grocery shopper/chauffeur goes out of town, I KNOW what we’ll be doing is surviving. Actually, my entire goal is for no one to get hurt (and by that, I mean, no one to get hurt by me in a fit of towering rage.) And no one in our house is dealing with illness.

    • Rebecca Stanfel said,

      Thanks, Martha, for a sane perspective.

      Who me? Suffer from high expectations? 🙂

      Next time Jay’s away I’m going to work on being a “good enough” parent–good enough meaning no one getting hurt, either through my rage or otherwise.

      Thanks (as always) for reading and taking the time to comment–and providing me one guaranteed night of rest when Jay’s away.


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